NOBODY IS HOME

A metal mask in my hand is rusted. It is neither clean nor brightly colourful one as it used to be. It is full of dust and defective. I still remember when I wore that mask. It has been my only companion since I was born. I noticed how its looks back and forth and starred at how bad it has been. I recalled my memories that many thorns has destroyed it. I walked towards the mirror and looked at myself. “It has changed.”, I said. Then, I wore it and smiled.

Living in this world turns me to be an independent woman that I have to keep on dancing in the rain. Although I live with my father and sister, I prefer my favourite things or activities to be done by myself. It has been shaping my mind and soul to be someone that people may call it as nerd. They say I am not normal. But, how can you define normal? Is being normal amusing?

The life that I have is not like the others’s. I have to survive without a protection from a mother. It starts when I was born at a place in East Java. My mother has been suffering a mental disease that is called Schizophrenia since she was in her young age. She has been being taken care of doctors and nurses at the asylum regularly. It is apprehensive about the condition of my mother that once I could not face. I mean, as a woman, who is going to be your role model beside your own mother?

I am type of person who really fond of art. I live in my imagination that goes far and it is beyond my consciousness. Unfortunately, my father neither agrees with the ability that I have nor believes abstract things. Then, I have to survive in reality with being under pressure. I have to obey what he says and leave my dreams to be pursued. However, I love being a rebel child because I do not like to be ordered with things to do. I prefer making my own rules in my own world.

The imagination that I have starts with a sensitivity to feel some ambiances and invisible things which people call it as ghosts. In fact, I avoid seeing them even they pulls me out to feel their presence because I am a coward one. Sometimes, I can predict some circumstances that might happen to people who are beside me. Honestly, it is confusing for me to tell everyone, because mostly people will not believe in words, will they?

According to the information that I got from the doctor, I earned twenty percent from my mother’s disease. As a matter of fact, I never realize that the disease occurs to me when I face many circumstances, especially in difficult ones. Living in this body turns me to be an overthinking person. I can spend my hours to sit alone and think about what people might not think. My brain works continuously every time when I am at days and nights.

Once, I have been in the most difficult situation. Shortly, I have been in a relationship for four years. He has the place that my parents do not earn. We work together in a management of a group band. It really gave me pleasure and composure. However, fact said different. He left me for another woman because of some circumstances that was illogical. It was fully torturing me. I was dying at that time. The tears fell down as day passes by and I thought it was the end of my world.

Many experiences that I have been through by myself teach me many good things that I can not count. Although I have to sacrifice myself to be drown many times, I still can survive. I have to keep cleaning my mask and pull the thorns out. But, there is a statement and a question as well that keeps popping out. I stand on the mirror, look at myself and say, “Even a bipolar needs to be loved.”

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Believe in Yourself

“The key of being succeed is to believe in yourself.”

Some people might say that I am a drama queen. Why? It is because I like to cry a lot in my room alone. I usually avoid people see me when I am crying. I have tried that one time.

I used to be a kid who does not care about people. But now, I care people a lot. I am too scared of people knowing me that I am having too much drama because the past that I have been through. And since my mom has passed away, I have got Post Traumatic Disorder. I got too much nerves facing people. I am afraid that I give too much burden for them.

I travel all around in Bandung, having chitchat with so many people, yet it does not really help to smile. I have tried this and that. I try to work in a band, still a boyfriend of mine cheated on me behind. I tried working on theatre and dance, but sometimes I wonder, “Does it help me to smile or laugh?”

Lately, one of my friend help me to join his drama with Sundanese Language. It is hard actually for me, because I am not a Sundanese. My dad comes from Berastagi. But, as an actor-wannabe, I give my best to act, so audience don’t see the real me.

I began writing since I got in my theatre. I tried to write a lot eventhough I don’t know what topic that I should write or how structure that I should use. I write my personal experience usually. And it motivates me like a lot to face people.

I like to write about people surrounding me so I could visualize something. Oh, Fyi, I am a visual learner. I like to learn visual things, such movies or read books. Well, I don’t really like read books actually, but I challenge myself to work on it. I give my best not to sleep while I am reading books. (lol).

Sometimes, I like to think alot. I like to think about something with people. And sometimes I wonder how I can rewrite or make a design for them. I wonder if I could put some colours for them so I could be satisfied.

Probably that is the way of me. Writing and make my imaginations become reality. I like it actually, but for now I like writing more and spend my time alone. I don’t have any specific reason behind, still I just do what I have to do and keep writing.

I write for myself, not for anyone. I write my experiences or story that I had in my mind. Technically, in Greeks it is called catarsis which means having emotional experiences to be out of mind, body, and soul.

Well, I like to think about my family. My dad always says, “Put your family first.” Well I care about them a lot. I love my dad very much. He is like a warrior for me. I do realize it now. He really cares about me and patient about what I am doing and what I will do in the future.

Sometimes I regret myself of hurting him in the past. I used to be that kid who likes to go everywhere I go, but not now anymore. I have to spend my time a lot with my family. Cause that is the one who can save me and protect when I am down. I should be thankful for that though.

People come and go. Sometimes, I like to sit by myself and having a coffee with a cigarette. Yes, people come and go no matter where they are. People are the creator as well. They like to make stories from their head into their mouth. And, that is the one that I should avoid.

“Believe in myself.” That is the key of getting succeed and get what I want. I should give my best and my all to not let the past happened again. This is my time to shine bright. I have been through the dark past and still looking for sunshine ahead. But now, I am not looking for now. I am looking for myself, cause by believing in myself, all dreams come true. Yes. just believe in yourself, and I still want to be shine like my brother and my dad.